Late night sex talk: Role-playing

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year now. That isn’t so long in The Real World, but I would imagine it’s a sizeable amount of time at this age and in this tiny, sheltered sphere that is the Maryville College community. It’s also enough time for a person to get a little bored with the sex if it’s always the same old routine.

Luckily for us, we discussed our kinks from the start and have steadily explored non-conventional sex since the beginning of our relationship. There isn’t really time for us to be bored with all the crap we’re experimenting with.

That being said, I have definitely had dry spells or times where I felt my and my partner’s sex life was disconnected or lacking flavor. That’s just the ebb and flow of a relationship, and our sex life always seems to get back on track naturally. But part of the reason why our sex life is so healthy and exciting to me is because of the continuous discussions we have about what we like and what we want to try. Like role-play, for instance.

Role-play is literally my favorite thing. It can be hard to spice things up as a college student with no money, a tiny dorm room and a roommate gone for only 50 minutes at a time. But I don’t need money to do role-play. I don’t need to have a bunch of supplies, and I don’t have to stash all my sex toys under the bed when I suddenly hear a key turning the lock. All I need is my own imagination and a partner who wants to explore.
It’s the perfect way to spice things up.

I really like this one particular role-playing scenario: the dominant and the submissive. Personally, I almost always take on the dominant role. It’s very rare that I feel the need to be submissive, but it does happen.

(Vocab time: someone who moves between these two roles is known in the kinky community as a “switch.”)

There are all sorts of ways I like to role-play this scenario. Like I said before, kinkiness—just like everything else in the scope of human sexuality—can be measured on a sort of scale. Role-play is kinky, and so you can go ahead and imagine it on a scale, too. There’s a side of light, fluffy play, but on the other end of the spectrum there lies a more intense, hardcore kind of role-play. What you do with your role-play just depends on your preferences.

I like the hardcore end. It’s all fun, but for some reason intense dom/sub role play makes me feel more connected to my partner, almost on a deeper level than normal “lovemaking.” It shows deeper trust and communication, because as the dominant one I have to be constantly aware of my submissive partner’s needs and wants. I have to make sure he/she is safe, comfortable, happy, and enjoying the experience. If not, it could turn into a bad experience for both partners, and honestly nobody wants that.

The dom/sub scenario is all about power play. I’m a control freak in my everyday life (I like to always be the one driving, for example) and that just kind of transcends into my sex life as well. I like to be in control, and when I’m in my dominant role I like to have my partner completely dependent on me sexually. I like to tell them exactly what to do and when to do it when I’m playing this scene.

This doesn’t mean that I’m only in it for my own orgasm, because that’s not it at all. It also doesn’t mean that when our sex is done, I expect my partner to ask my permission to do stuff. It’s all about the fantasy, and the fact that my partner and I have such a loving, equal relationship throughout our lives is part of what makes the inequality of power in the bedroom so much fun. It’s all make-believe.

I can honestly say that participating in my favorite sexual fantasy—dom/sub power play—has made my relationship with my girlfriend stronger and more loving. Not just the sex either, but the rest of it, too. I feel closer to her by sharing this extremely intimate, unconventional form of sex. And I encourage anyone who wants to explore their fantasies to do so; talk to your partner about what you’re interested in, and what they are too. When you trust someone like that, without fear of judgment or persecution for your interests, it makes the entire relationship stronger.

Not only that, but it keeps things interesting, which we all need no matter how long we’ve been dating. A play a day keeps the boredom away.