After being furloughed in the recent shutdown of the federal government, a black bear left his home in the Great Smoky Mountains and came to Maryville College to seek temporary employment. With his earthy wisdom, aggressive enthusiasm and undoubtedly fuzzy ears, Professor Bear quickly won the hearts and minds of all.
Of course, there was some doubt among faculty when it was discovered that, instead of lecturing during class, professor Bear would simply growl and force students threateningly into corners until they figured out how to escape through air ducts and windows. This method of hands-on teaching to aid students in gaining real world problem solving skills, while effective, is certainly controversial. But are we going to let a few parent complaints and a couple of lost limbs hold us back in the ever-changing world of modern education?
Not Maryville College, where we will stretch your mind even under the constant threat of mauling.
Gossip around campus was equally stirred by the shocking classroom management technique revolutionized by professor Bear in which he would simply consume any student who answered a question incorrectly or made any sudden movements.
In fact, some people are beginning to suspect that this bear is not a visiting professor at all, but he has made a convincing argument to the tenure board in the form of a series of guttural roars and erratic swipes of his claws and it looks like he’s here to stay for the interim. Students are urged to make loud noises and try to appear larger than the new professor when approached, as this will both save their life and ensure a good participation grade.
Everyone please make our new faculty member feel at home in whatever classroom or residence hall he decides to wander into, and remember: nothing says “thank you for your service” and “please, don’t attack me, oh, god, I’m too young to die” like the gift of freshwater fish.
(Freshwater Fish: now available for sale at your friendly MC Bookstore.)
In memory of our bear visitor and, also, apologies for any bear stereotypes.