Welcome to the Thunderdome

Listen, none of you people can drive.

I don’t understand it.

You spend all this money on your cars—tinting the windows, adding stuff to the engine, getting new tires, cleaning, maintaining and caring for it—and you neglect to spend any money on the most important thing: actually driving.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports that there were 30,797 deaths in 2009 due to traffic crashes.

That’s beyond unacceptable.

That’s almost eight times the number of American deaths in the Iraq War per year, year after year.

Let that sink in for a moment.

You see, as I said before, we spend a ton of money on our cars for two reasons: aesthetic stuff or stuff that makes the car faster.

This is, in the words of Spock, highly illogical.

I can understand the former a little bit, actually. Having a nice-looking car certainly represents a certain type of care, and it is hygienic, at least for the interior.

Making your car go faster though … that’s just plain silly.

I see it on small cars, big cars and—perhaps most bizarrely—trucks.

Yes, what a fantastic idea!

Soup up your car with Type-R and Type-X and Type-Z tires, cold-air intakes, supercharged engines, spoilers, gizmos—whatever—and watch the speedometer go further up than ever before.

And a lot of these modifications come from people our age, people without a lot of the intrinsic stuff that makes you go, “I probably shouldn’t take this turn at 60 miles per hour.”

Most of the time, you dolt, you shouldn’t even be driving in the first place!

You have no idea how horrible of a driver you really are. And, as such, you put the lives of both yourself and the rest of us in danger, all because you’re trying to impress your friends into thinking that you’re some type of badass.

It’s not impressive.

You should take that money you invested into that kickin’-rad-spoiler-bro and take a course on driving instead.

Just because you turned 16, outwitted some DMV employee into thinking that you’re a competent driver/human being and smiled as they messed up your picture does not mean you are ready to handle the danger that driving is.

And you’re ruining it for people like me, who actually can drive.

And I hate you for that.

And if I wasn’t such a morally amazing person, I would probably cheer a little bit when you become eligible for a Darwin Award.

Instead, it’s just sad. I blame some of our culture for it, as other countries require a lot more training before they let people drive.

We should look to move to a system like that.

Let’s not even get into texting and driving or talking and driving or driving a truck while driving—I’m too mad at this point to even discuss that.

Instead, please ride a bike.

Actually, don’t ride a bike, because I hate bicyclists with the passion of a thousand angry suns.

Take a cab instead, or have someone who can drive take you to school. I’m formulating a list of acceptable drivers right now.

And no, you won’t be on it.

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