Maryville college squirrels prepare for winter amidst unseasonable heat: a humorous look into their minds
It’s a balmy November day at Maryville College, and while students are savoring the warmth, the campus squirrels are raising their tiny, padded paws in a panic. Amidst all the scrabbling, there’s an acorn of worry on the squirrels’ little minds: this autumn has been too warm, and winter seems far from sight.
According to Squeaky Nutwrencher, a long-time squirrel resident known for his keen eye for acorn procurement, the local squirrel population is facing an autumnal crisis.
“We’re sweating our tails off!” Nutwrencher remarked. “We should be halfway through hibernation prep, but with these temperatures, we’re still in summer mode. The whole thing’s nutty!”
As of this morning, students reported several heated discussions among the squirrels near the Anderson Hall lawn, where prominent squirrel figures were seen scolding Mother Nature.
“We simply don’t know what to do with ourselves.” said Fluffy McFlufferson, who reportedly has not slept a wink in two weeks. “My winter coat’s half in, but if it doesn’t cool down, I’m going to look ridiculous in this full pelt. It’s not fashionable, it’s suffocating!”
This ap-acorn-lyptic autumn has some squirrels second-guessing their traditional hoarding. “Why bury now if we’ll just dig [them] back up next week?” pondered Chubby Chestnut, who’s developed a reputation for “liberal” acorn stashing. “No sense going overboard till the weather makes up its mind. Still, if any of the other critters are reading this, my stash is in the ground… somewhere.”
Rumor has it that an elite “Squirrel Council” met late last week to discuss these concerns, but some members were absent, apparently off their game in the confusing weather.
“Al Pistachio was spotted napping under a shady tree by the library,” reported one squirrel spy, who wished to remain anonymous. “We’re all a little…disoriented.”
“We’ve been clocking temps in the seventies,” a spokes-squirrel named Twitchtail told us in squeaks, expertly translated by Professor Emeritus Walter Greyfur, the college’s unofficial squirrel whisperer. “By this time last year, we were already layering up. Now, we’re sweating in our fur and risking heatstroke!”
The Squirrel Council has initiated “Operation Pinecone,” a campus-wide effort encouraging all squirrels to bolster their stockpiles with extra rations, just in case. In recent weeks, residents of Anderson Hall have witnessed hordes of squirrels shoving acorns and walnuts into every nook, cranny, and even abandoned textbooks they can find.
“It’s a mix of panic and preparedness,” noted Professor Greyfur, who has followed the squirrel community for over two decades. “They’re afraid a mild autumn could mean a brutal winter…or no winter at all.”
But it’s not all bad news for Maryville’s finest foragers. With the warm temperatures drawing in students for impromptu outdoor lunches, squirrels report “above-average scavenging opportunities.”
“Kids are so distracted by their finals that they’re dropping sandwiches, pretzels – you name it! Frankly, it’s the only thing keeping us going,” admitted Friskers McNutty, as he scrambled off with a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The fate of Maryville’s squirrel population remains uncertain as the mercury lingers well above frostbite territory. For now, their motto is simple: “Hope for cold, hoard what you can and watch your tail.”
As for us students, perhaps we’ll have a few more weeks to enjoy their bushy-tailed antics as we pass them on our way to class.