No, no, Glen Coco: What not to do on a college campus

I am fully aware that we have been in school for nearly an entire semester, and most of you readers think you have the whole world, let alone Maryville College, figured out, but there is always more to learn especially when it comes to navigating MC. Therefore, I am starting this column to give some friendly advice regarding what not to do on a college campus, specifically on this one. I’ll begin with a discussion of windows.

If you have not already discovered by now, college campuses contain these beautiful, concrete buildings called dormitories, or as any RA would correct you, residence halls. What you may not have discovered are the windows in each of the rooms. Our windows are spectacular innovations when the college has already switched from air conditioning to full heating capacity, when that heat is causing you and your roommate to sweat profusely, when you need to get rid of the odor and when, frankly, you are too lazy to go onto the balcony for a smoke. But I’m warning you.

Do not fall into the trap. If you lean too far, you will get pregnant and die. No, literally, you will die. It is not a difficult thing to do, falling out of your window.. Clearly, leaning too far out to creep on the most current alcohol bust in Carnegie or to scout out the football players returning to campus drenched in sweat is not that difficult of a task. With the right motivation (finals), it’s a pretty easy way out of all the stress to which you are currently being subjected, but it is not worth it.

Sure, you will be a legacy, whether you die or just turn out really messed up, but you will only be remembered for the mess. Trust me, as cool as real life “Halo 3” splattered on the parking lot would be, in about three days, the coagulation of blood will be practically permanent. The maintenance crew does not want to clean up after your stupidity. So just do not do it. No one wants to dwell on your hot mess. Literally. Your steaming mess of gore lying on the concrete. Maryville is supposed to be pretty. Another strong motivation you may have for falling out of the window may be your roommate.

Sure, at the beginning of the year, everything was set up for perfection between the two of you, but this is the time of year when the true Sarah or David or whoever comes out. Escaping via your window can only help them. There is no reason not to interpret your suicide as ignorance, and so your intention of escaping him or her unfortunately turns out to be a blessing. That is not what you want. Just do not play with that kind of cray. In conclusion, lads and lassies, I encourage you all to think twice the next time you glance longingly at your gigantic, inviting window in a drunken stupor, or any other state of mind, for that matter! It just isn’t worth the mess.

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