April showers bring May flowers and sheer pandemonium

The end of a semester usually brings about a particular kind of madness with the oncoming of final grades, essays, projects, and exams. However, the spring season also introduces to the general population something we haven’t seen in many moons: the sun.

This is not a drill. The sun is back and here to stay, and nobody knows what to do. With the increase of vitamin D intake and an overall sense of warmth, people are losing their minds.

You’ve likely seen students around campus lounging in hammocks, sunbathing or just going outside for the sake of going outside. These actions seem inconsequential, but what could these students be doing besides enjoying the outdoors? Anything else. Letting loose is the gateway drug to negligence.

Many are unable to resist the summons of warm breezes and blossoming flowers, so they take to the outdoors where they are subject to the dangers of relaxation, creativity, and a sense of being one with the world. I urge you to think about the consequences before giving into these carnal desires.

Relaxation is a state of being free from anxiety or tension. Without either of these necessary burdens in everyday life, how will anyone ever get anything done? The sun and its servants have come to reduce our productivity and to inevitably deconstruct our economic system.

More hours in the day only buys the sun more time to ensnare us in the trap of peacefulness. There are many ways in which the sun and the moderate temperatures that come with it are able to lure us outside. The spring season finds a way to turn over every one of our senses to its temptations.

Our eyes become victim to the disorienting brightness and sexuality of blossoming flowers, which draw us in with flashy colors and aromas. Our ears are entranced by birdsong and the seemingly innocent chitter of woodland creatures. Our pale, moisture-deprived skin is beckoned toward the humidity in the air. In every way, we are tempted by the sun to relax.

Possibly one of the most dangerous and inescapable factions of the spring season is something not even the strongest of us can resist: baby animals. You see them in 30-second videos on your social media feeds and in memes with captions like, “Can I haz cheeseburger?” But now they’re here in physical form and ready to ask for far more than your cheeseburger—they’re prepared to take away your will to provide.

Furry critters have emerged from their winter homes with offspring they’ve created just to woo us into taking in sunshine, but they are simply pawns in the sun’s game to drive us into sheer pandemonium and to distract us from an efficient routine in everyday life.

At the end of a semester, the stress of academic life is piling on, making students an even easier target. There are many reasons to go outside and enjoy yourself, but I’m warning you: don’t do it.

Soon, you’ll witness the increase in joy and fun happening all around you, but keep in mind the consequences. Don’t be the sun’s puppet, be a cog in the machine of production instead. So, remember to stay stressed, stay productive, and have an efficient summer.

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