Welcome to the thunder dome: Black Friday one day only

OK, look, I have recently become okay with Black Friday. I never used to like it. There is still something unseemly to me about Americans having a literal holiday devoted to causing riots in Wal-Marts and Best Buys and stuff, but I am trying to be more accepting. I do not like the idea of waiting five hours outside in a line in one of the coldest months of the year to get $50 off a television, but I can see why people do it. Me, I would rather work the extra hours at my job and not have to freeze my knees off, but I recognize that different folks enjoy different strokes.

Cyber Monday is cool, too, and so is Go-Into-Crippling-Debt Tuesday and Living-Above-One’s-Means-Because-We’ve-Been-Marketed-Successfully Wednesday and any other holidays that our nation’s overlords and/or marketing departments want to make up. It worked for Valentine’s Day.

One thing I will not accept, though, is holidays like these ones extending onto the only true religious holiday of the season: Thanksgiving.

Companies are tripping over themselves to become the first store to offer that stupid mega deal that tricks you into coming in, and then runs out after like five people get it, and then have you spend full price for a bunch of other stuff you do not need. I am fine if you want to do it at six a.m. on Friday or something, but do not get near Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is the most American holiday of all.

We must not forget our roots and national conscious even in the face of wanton consumerism. Or, rather, we need to have the right type of consumerism. Thanksgiving ought to be about turkey, football, yams, beer, mashed potatoes, glossing over the unseemly history of how we acquired the country and not moving. It is the last part that’s the most important. Proper Thanksgiving etiquette requires everyone not doing the cooking or the table setting to rest as much as possible. Things like hitting light switches are only supposed to happen when it is a matter of life or death, basically. You lie down, watch the Lions get killed and try to slow your breathing down to dangerous levels while you are drinking and stealing food from those who make it.

I know people think Americans are lazy, but we are actually fairly hard-working. We are one of the most productive countries in the world, we work more hours per week than a lot of places and we spend more money on things and do more activities, especially holiday shopping, than a lot of other places.

In light of this, we need Thanksgiving to be a proper day of rest. It grinds my gears so much that we now begin Black Friday on Thanksgiving. If anything, Thanksgiving should extend into Black Friday. In fact, Black Friday should be known as “Thanksgiving Leftovers Day,” and there should be another day of turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce and turnips. We really need two days of rest instead of two days of shopping. We shop all the darn time.

I am not doing Black Friday this year and I won’t ever. Instead, I am doing Nap Friday. If you know what’s good for you, you will join me in celebration, too.