I have to make a confession: I have sex problems. I wish that everything were perfect and easy and that I always knew what to do in the bedroom, but I just don’t. Nobody does. Everybody, who is having sex, is having problems. This is probably a scientific fact, somewhere, but I do not have any data so just take me by my word on this one.
My most recent sex problem involves just not being as interested in doing it. This is a classic one, really. It is almost cliché. But I am not in the mood as much as my girlfriend is, because we have been at it for a year now and that is just the way the cookie crumbles, I’m afraid.
But I do not really want to talk about problems. Not specifically. What I want to talk about is just that, talking. Every time I tell a friend, “I don’t want to have sex that much anymore,” they are surprised. How could I possibly not be interested in constantly doing it when I’m constantly talking about it?
I get that, I do. It makes sense that the girl who seems obsessed would actually be obsessed. But actually, I’m shockingly normal, almost boring.
In fact, the reason I talk about sex all the time and write about it is not because I am always having it. I talk about it because it’s healthy to talk about it, and it’s healthy to let others know there’s nothing wrong with what they’re doing.
I have always been shameless about sex, probably to the point of tackiness sometimes. In high school I was always talking to my friends about what little we knew of sex. We laughed about funny stories, analyzed problems and celebrated new sexual adventures. I learned a lot, and I also gained confidence in myself as a sexual person.
More than that though, I have now begun to gain the reputation as someone who can be turned to for advice and story sharing without judgment. Let me tell you: this is the most rewarding thing that regularly happens in my life. It is like getting a good grade, all this hard work of putting myself out there as the sex freak is paying off when a friend calls and says, “I need advice from someone who won’t be weird about it, so I called you.”
The point I want to make is that sex is healthy and natural, and that talking about it is too. It amazes me how something that gives people such pleasure is so stigmatized. I mean, why not talk about it? We live in a hypocritical society where sex is shoved in our faces but we are taught to fear it; when we finally do have sex, we are taught to keep it to ourselves.
I think that can be harmful. When I first started discovering that I was kinky, I was pretty worried. I had never really heard anybody else talk about the types of things I was interested in doing, except people in porn. I felt isolated and unnatural. It wasn’t until I was older and became more comfortable with all aspects of myself that I realized everything I was doing, as long as it was safe and consensual, was totally, awesomely OK.
I really love talking about sex. And it is not because I am having sex every night, or even because I have a lot of experience under my belt. I’ve only had sex with four people in my life, believe it or not. It’s because sex is normal, fun, interesting and funny. It’s because it’s really nice to talk to my friends and celebrate the good things, as well as talk out the bad things. It’s because it’s as much a part of my life as anything else I do, and there’s no shame in it at all.