Last year, 2011 graduate Jenny Seemayer began writing an article entitled “What Grinds My Gears, ” providing commentary on some of the pitfalls of life on the Maryville College campus. She so graciously turned the reins over to me, but as I try to think of what grinds my gears, I’m not particularly overly angry about anything in particular. I’m just … concerned.
So, instead, I would like to offer advice from a senior perspective.
Jenny and I spent many a night sitting on the porch of Carnegie, watching the gaggles of freshmen and sophomores waddle into our building to experience what they believed to be “college life.” As I watched Jenny’s eyes light up with inspiration, I just worried.
This year, as I watch the classes of 2014 and 2015 meander past to sorely find out that the front door of Carnegie, in fact, still does not open, I would like to provide my little Scot-lings with some wisdom.
Your partying will be short lived if you continue to make such rookie errors.
Remember, as an RA, I have been trained to spot a solo cup from a half a mile away and, if close enough, knock it out of your hand with a boomerang. And just because you managed to down three Smirnoff Ices with the determination of Jesse Owens at the 1936 Olympics doesn’t mean that I can’t smell it on you. That’s just the RA coming out again, I suppose. You also make it painfully obvious that you’re new to the game by turning around and trying to make bro talk that hurts you much more than it hurts me.
My advice? Possibly find another venue at which to do your illegal dabbling, or, dare I say, wait until you’re 21 to drink. We’ve all put in our time, and I promise you, there’s a whole world of public embarrassment awaiting you at Two Doors once you’re legal. Karaoke night is Wednesday.
Now, on a personal level. Lady babies, I get that you’re college girls now. Boys blowin’ up your phones, phones. You run the world. You don’t give a DAMN what happened last Friday night. But, at least the aforementioned lyrics are by ladies who comb their hair.
Girls, you don’t run the world. Appearance does.
And, if I may give my opinion about this all too vain world, I would encourage you to groom yourselves, leave a little more to the imagination and not wear pajamas outside of your residence halls.
Beauty does not lie in one particular figure or shape; it lies in how you present yourself to the world. However, other characteristics are determined by how quickly you can slide your pants off, and if I remember correctly, those pajama drawstrings aren’t the most difficult knots to finagle if you need to get to the restroom quickly.
Gentlemen in training, I’ll be brief. I would like you to reread the portion above this about the girls. Okay, you back? Most of those girls graduated ahead of us in high school. Please learn quickly that talking about that awesome score you made last night doesn’t make us high five once you leave the circle of bro talk.
As young men who have previously seen the common errors that you have made, we worry about the health of your nuts and bolts, if you catch my drift. We also worry about your self worth. In the name of Usher, “If you really want more [more!], study your Chemistry…” or something like that.
Welcome to our small liberal-arts school, freshmen. Understand that what you do now may or may not end up in a slideshow your senior year. Just in case you forget the simple errors that I’ve begged you not to commit, know that they will live in our minds forever.
With love, of course.